I started my blog around July time of this year, as something to keep my mind occupied while I coped with the sudden breakdown of my long term relationship. I’d had a tough time in the months leading up to this, but there were no signs of this between us.
I had left a very difficult job in London where I worked a 10-12 hour shift everyday for little pay, with no guidance, no inclining of a future and a 4 hour commute every day. I was miserable, suffered from anxiety and panic attacks at a rate of around 4-5 a day. In the end I was a walking zombie. So I decided to do the unspeakable, I quit with no other income and no prospect of another job to go to for the sake of my health.
I had been in further education for the entirety of my relationship, Having met him on a blind date set up by friends when I was 20, he was understandable to the fact my education (at the time) came first. I lived away from my home town, where he also lived, for 9 months of the year in a student house with 4 other people. I can’t paint a picture to you that a long distance relationship wasn’t that easy, but then again, ‘long distance’ wasn’t so much the case here. I was only just over an hour away. What wasn’t easy, was that neither of us could drive, he worked weekends too and I was always out of cash. But somehow, we made it work.
Cracks had started to appear about 2 and a half years in, conveniently, when I moved home and decided, for the good of my relationship, to continue my education but travel the distance to my university each day. I originally went to university to study religion in the hope of becoming a primary school teacher, or for my American readers, an elementary school teacher. After a year of this, I changed my discipline to study law, which was so difficult and the chances of failing, much greater. In a decision in which I can only regret now, it was in my final year of my law course that I decided to commute.
This was the first of many decisions I took with regard to my education I now regret, it is something now as a single person I have sat and contemplated. I have liked the idea of taking the New York Bar Exam for many years, meaning if I so wished, I would be able to use my British law degree and practice law in New York, one of the only US states that I could do this in (I might be wrong but I think New York State’s law is based on the English Legal System). But I thought, ‘I’m in a loving relationship for the rest of my life, why do I need to try a stint in another country?’ So, I didn’t take the exam and now the opportunity is too expensive.
I developed anxiety attacks in my final year of my course as I was under a lot of pressure, when all I really wanted was a happy family life with this person. I wanted to work, to earn money, to start our lives and live together. I was once proud of my achievements, and at this time, they were becoming a hindrance.
I buried my head in the sand for another 3 years, ignoring the elephant in the room that this relationship was not what he had wanted. He didn’t want to see me as often as I had wanted to see him. I was his ‘weekend’ girlfriend. We were going to different places in our life, mine had no ceiling, his was in the comfort of a TV screen. I confided in friends that as I spoke, would shed a tear themselves. They too had experienced some form of this. Why didn’t I leave? I thought things would get better. Don’t we all.
We had some very good times, we got on really well. He was my best friend, the one person that could cheer me up and I could say things, and he wouldn’t judge me. I adored his family (apart from his mother and brother) and they welcomed me with open arms (again apart from his mother and brother). However, we were very different, not too much in common when it came to interests. He liked comic books, watching geeky films all day everyday if he could and was quite happy to plod along in life, not wanting to strive for anything real. I clung on to anything I could, trying to make it work, while ignoring my true feelings. I now had a sinking feeling in my heart everyday. I had started to wonder if my knight in shining armour was in fact, not looking across the table from me, but actually still out there undiscovered.
I finally found a new job, much closer to home, much better pay and I was so much happier. I had only been working for just over a week and then I received a text message on my phone from him to say he didn’t know how he felt any more. Within a few days, after 5 years together that was it. Done. What was his reason? We don’t like the same films. He wanted to be with a girl that liked the same films as him. Not one that wanted to go and see the world or visit friends. He wanted one that found it acceptable to sit in the house with the curtains closed in the middle of a July heatwave watching the next Marvel film. Personally, I think he had his eye on a girl he had known for a while, lived in London and worked in TV, but didn’t have the balls to tell me.
I took the break up very hard. All of my plans were in ruins, I had been humiliated, broken into pieces and left a paranoid, anxious mess, not even half the person I was before I had met him. I had gained 5 and a half stone or 80lbs and lost all self confidence. Still living at home at 26, in a mass of debt, in a temporary job and I still haven’t finished my education. There are some scars no amount of beautiful make up can cover, or indeed even attempt to hide.
6 months later I realise now, that I’m so much better off. I am no longer paranoid, I haven’t had a panic for 5 months and I’m no longer being treated like shit by someone who was meant to love me. However, I have to remind myself of this daily still. If I think about him, I think that I’m in such a better place now. I no longer skip that Boyz 2 Men song Water Runs Dry on my iPod (but there are many other I do now skip) because I’m no longer in that dead end relationship that won’t be going anywhere and the song no longer plays directly to me.
But today, I shed a tear for the first time in a long time. Why? Because today is his birthday. I am no longer in contact with him, haven’t seen him, spoken to him or come across him on any form of social media (blocking is the key), my friends are under strict instructions not to tell me anything. Even after all of this, and how far I’ve come, I still realise I’m fragile. This date has crept up on me and knocked me for 6. I hate that I still care.
You cannot be a saviour, you cannot change a person to be something they are not. You can apply your own limitations to live by and to guide you to what you find acceptable. It’s a shame to have to go through having your heart broken to put things back into perspective. These last few months have taught me not to live your life through someone else. Go and get exactly what you want and the only person who can put you down is yourself. I’m not in any hurry to find a new man. I’m having fun meeting new friends and going to places I wouldn’t have gone to. There is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself, I’m getting back to my old self, and soon Vee will feel Beautiful again.
VeeBeautiful 